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Some days are just not meant to be productive.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake