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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.