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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
?-- that guy is cute ?
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.