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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
My brain has too many tabs open.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.