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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
How`d this get posted?