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If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.