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It`s so hard to find obedient minions
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"