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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.