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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
This day needs more yesterday.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch