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I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.