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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.