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There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.