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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.