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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.