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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.