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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women