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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Insert coin to view my status message.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?