Daily Silly Status

I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.

I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.

I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.

I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"

Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.

I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.

Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"

The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.

It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.

"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.

My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.

If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.

Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.

Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.