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I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.