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I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.