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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
Warning: I just get weirder.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.