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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.