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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
Life is fun! You should get one.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.