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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.