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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I’m sad when my food is over.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."