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Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.