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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Of course you have a right to your own opinion. Just like I have a right to tell you to shove it up your a$$.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.