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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.