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Testing.. Testing.. This is a test. If this were an actual ploy for attention.. I would`ve said "bacon" or "boobies."
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!