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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.