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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.