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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.