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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.