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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.