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Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.