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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.