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Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.