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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.