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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend