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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
take me drunk i`m home
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.