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They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
Today`s subliminal thought is: …