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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!