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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
I grew up for this?
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.