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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
FYI: The signs that say "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn`t.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.