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I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.