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I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
Bacon...need I say more
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I’m going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.