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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.