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The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.