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I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.