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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.