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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.