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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I walked briskly with scissors today. Iām pretty wild.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?