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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.