Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.