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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"