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I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting