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If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!