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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.