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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.