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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.