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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them