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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
Being normal is boring.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.