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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.