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I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.