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Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Theirye’re, problem solved.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?