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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”