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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.