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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I`m Confused.