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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
be smart, pretend to be stupid!
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.