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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.