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I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…