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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.