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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait