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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?