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Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.