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Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?